Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Find one song before the virus takes hold...

**So, of course, Roger was talking about the AIDS virus during that song, and I'm being completely melodramatic, but seriously, I feel like absolute death, and it's the first lyric that popped into my head.**



Our house is a giant cesspool.  Or moreso, should I say, my KIDS are giant cesspools!  No matter what bit of funk is going around those schools, they make sure to share it with all of us.   So I've been laid up for the past 3 days with a 102 fever and all the aches, chills, sore throat and horrid cough that go with it.  My impression of the endangered barking seal is well on its way to perfection!  Meanwhile, the older two just keep passing it back and forth between them, just to guarantee that none of us ever fully recover from it.   


So after being forced by my mother to go to the doctor yesterday, I found out that it's viral.  Yay!  So you take my $25 co-pay then tell me to rest, take Tylenol, and drink fluids.  Thanks, doc.   At least I did get some Codeine cough medicine out of her.  Little did I know that actually obtaining said cough syrup was going to take a National Act of Congress!  As usual, the computers were down, so they were trying to pull up my insurance card, which took FOREVER.  Meanwhile, I can feel the OTC meds I'd taken that morning beginning to wear off.  One glance in those mirrors they have up on the walls in Walgreens, and I almost screamed in shock. How a person's face can be flushed and yet deathly pale at the same time is completely beyond me.  As I said on Facebook, I highly resembled Charlize Theron, playing Aileen Wuornos in Monster. Plus, my sinuses were all swollen, so it became a combination of Aileen and Hitch when Will Smith's character has an allergic reaction to shellfish.   I'm actually quite surprised that Nikki Sixx and Jon Bon Jovi didn't decide to make a pit-stop at that Walgreens at that exact moment, because that's usually my luck.  Never fails, when you look like shit, you WILL see every single person you've ever met, had a crush on, or turned down for a date.  It's karma's way of letting them take one look at you and go "OMG, what the hell was I thinking?"


Anyway, apparently the pharmacists didn't read the look of  panic or discomfort on my face and proceeded to take their own sweet time filling the Rx.  Seriously?!  It's freakin' cough syrup:  Pour it in a bottle, put the little sticker on it, shake it, and hand it to me!!  Oh no, not that simple.  After sitting and waiting for almost an hour (my eyes were beginning to blur and I was shaking uncontrollably with a fever at this point)  I politely ask them if it is ready yet.  The girl looks up from her Taco Bell burrito and says "Aww....naw, hode on, I'll see if it be ready."   I see that they don't require remedial English in Pharmacy school.   She comes back 10 minutes later and said "Aww, they forgot to put it in, it be ready in 10 minutes."  Cut to 10 minutes later, while I watch as they're all just standing around talking, eating, one's talking on her cell, etc.  As this point, the madness has taken over and the delusions started.  In my mind, this is what happened when I walked to the counter:



"GIVE ME MY $4 BOTTLE OF CODEINE!!!"


But in reality, I think I probably just stumbled to the counter, tripping over my own feet and began to jabber incoherently like a deranged mental patient.  Whatever happened, it made them stand up and finally get my medicine.  Oh, and get this!  Here's exactly what they did:  Walked over to a counter, picked up a big bottle, poured it into a little bottle, slapped a sticker on it, and handed it to me!!   What a concept.


So me, my $4 bottle of cough medicine, my TheraFlu, and my hospital mask (yes, I bought one...it's the only way I can get near Gibson) somehow sobered up enough to drive the half-mile back to my house, where I threw on sweats and a t-shirt and literally passed out in my chair and I haven't moved since.  Needless to say, I look (and most likely smell) AWESOME!!  I've seen that commercial for Tresemme's Dry Shampoo about 13 times---I'm thinkin' they're trying to send me a message.    I don't even have the willpower to stand up and change the DVD in the player, which means that I've now watched Rent about 6 times in the past 48 hours.  (Hence the title of the post)   But I'm so out of it that it's now just become background noise in the random mush floating around in my head.  Between the codeine syrup, the nighttime cold medicine and the nasty funk that's living there, needless to say, when I do fall asleep for the night, I could literally choke on my own lung fluid and I would never have any idea.   And right now, that would actually be a welcome relief.  Codeine, take me away...


~Ash


 
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I promise, my blogs will not continue to be a bunch of rambling, pathetic self-loathing.  They say "Write what you know" and right now, that's ALL I know!  My brain is no different than those hamster's who run around in the little clear balls, slamming into every wall they encounter. Don't get me started on how it took 3 adults to help a 1st grader with her homework---and it was on the 4 basic food groups!  Yes, this sickness needs to go away! Now, don't get me wrong, I'll still be bitchin' about something.  Don't think you're getting off that easy.  I just won't be wallowing in self-pity and insulting myself.  I'll be back to insulting others!

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**Blog title is an excerpt from the song "One Song Glory" from the movie/broadway show Rent.

4 comments:

  1. I am your" BIGGEST fan"!
    I have never giggled so much at what someone has written in my life ...
    humbled by your writing skills, i will stay secrety "your #1 fan!":)please feel better!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh, wow, I have a fan?! Well, thank you, you just made my day! :)

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  3. Your blog is not only witty, but honest, clever and thankfully irreverent. If my nudging had anything to do with your sharing that endearing voice in your head that I've admired for years then, I'm happy to be a nudge. Looking forward to hearing more soon!

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  4. Oh, make no mistake, your nudging had EVERYTHING to do with it! But I'm glad you nudged, because once I got over that irritating, overly self-critical thing that always exists in my brain, it was actually fun to write something that other people can read. (Well, besides a 50-character status update.) Haven't done that since high school!

    So thank you for the push, and of course for the praise. ♥

    ReplyDelete