Thursday, March 24, 2011

All I've Got is a Photograph...

"You've gone straight to my heeeeeeeaad!!"      Ok, sorry, had to finish out the song.

Back to your randomly scheduled post: 

We've never had "family pictures" made.  Of course, we've got a million of the kids, and we've got photos of all of us, but we've never had an actual professional photo shoot of the whole family.  I know some people are beginning to believe that my husband is a made-up person that I just talk about for the sake of having funny stories!  So I need to prove that he really exists---and I know it's torturous for him to sit and smile for the camera, and I'll never pass up an opportunity to torture him! (What are wives for??)  But I have a friend who takes the most AMAZING pictures in the world.  Seriously, she's like a magician.  She's done my kids a couple different times now, and it's baffling to watch.  My kids are going crazy, and I'm thinking that there is no WAY she actually got a normal shot out of these, and then here come the proofs and I'm staring at these going "Where was I when these little angelic creatures were posing so perfectly for the camera??  Did she Photoshop them in or something??"  I wanted to buy 10 of every shot.  A-mazing!

 Anyway, so we're doing family pictures. Now here comes the problem:  Trying to COORDINATE outfits!!  Wow, what a horrid experience this has been!   Trying to find clothes for 5 people who's ages are 10 months, 5 years, 6 years (who's a girl) and then 2 parents, yeah, this is a nightmare!  

We're not like most "normal" families.  We're 5 people with 5 completely different styles.  My idea of dressing up is wearing a fitted black shirt instead of an old Poison shirt and pairing it with skanky boots instead of flip-flops.  Patrick is a polo/cargo shorts guy, Shelby will wear anything that I tell her DOESN'T go together, little Patrick just wants to wear gym shorts and Star Wars shirts and Gibson...well, I'm just happy if he can make it 30 minutes without a giant drool stain down the front of his outfit.   So it's been verrry difficult to find outfits that are "coordinating" without looking like one of those families on the "Awkward Family Photos" website.   I don't really want a giant framed picture that resembles these:

I just have these memories of the dreaded "Olan Mills" sessions for church directory pictures.  I'd post some of those, but Jeff would never speak to me again, so I'll refrain.  So here I go, off to the mall to try to find clothes.  For the little boys, I wanted them to actually match.  Not in some monogrammed one piece jumper with animals on the collar like some of these people put on their poor boys.  Just matching BOY clothes. Just a polo and some shorts.  Apparently, the stores saw me coming and decided to screw with me.  Every single thing I found was always just half a shade different in the big boy/little boy shirts.   Seriously?  It's the exact same brand, why don't you have the exact same shirt in a 5 and an 18 month??  Is that so hard??   Obviously it is.  It's also now a trend to dress your little boy like a total thug.  The shorts come down to their ankles and the shirts have all this bling-bling writing all over it.  I'm sorry, but no, he's not old enough to resemble that inevitable douchebag at every concert who's wearing a skin-tight Ed Hardy shirt and an oversized hat cocked sideways on top of his honky-fro.  Please, just stop.

Then, we have the girl's clothes.  Or should we say the Prositi-Tots section.  When did we decide to start dressing our elementary school girls like the hookers that hang out near 201 Poplar??  It's mini-tutu skirts, shorts with "Bootylicious" written across the ass, little strapless dresses covered in sequins (remind me:  What 6 year old has cleavage to fill these dresses out??).   It was ridiculous!   A DRESS.  A little cute, springtime dress that doesn't make her look like a hoochie, but also doesn't make her look like one of the Duggar girls on '19 Kids and Counting'!  Impossible!

And last but not least...and probably the toughest:  Me.  My entire wardrobe consists of black, black, a couple turquoisey blue things (looks good with the red hair) black, grey, a few reds here n there, and black.  While I'm a huge fan of Morticia Addams, I'm not exactly wanting to emanate her in our family picture.  But at the same time, I'm trying to find something light-colored and sort've spring-like without looking like I should be auditioning for a Massengil commercial!  Everything is pink, pink, yellow, pink, orange, and PINK!  I'm not Molly Ringwald.  I can't do the whole "redhead who wears pink" thing.  So I'm in dressing rooms flinging shirts left and right and cursing each and every fashion designer alive.   Trying on clothes is one of my least-favorite pastimes in the first place, but searching for clothes that SO aren't my style is my idea of hell.  Add to that, I think they all wait til I get to the store, just so they can play "Hey, Soul Sister" each and every time I step into that dreaded room.  Probably my most hated song in the history of music (right after "I Can See Clearly Now the Rain is Gone..")  It was horrible. 

So after 4 days, 257 stores, and me using every form of profanity I've ever learned in my lifetime (and a few I just made up because the normal ones weren't working anymore)  I FINALLY have 5 outfits that somewhat go together without taking away from our normal everyday style.   God bless the Happy Heart in Arlington (if you have girls, you'll be in heaven---go see Kim and tell her I told you to go!) and Children's Place at the mall because it was the only store to have actual MATCHING big boy/baby clothes that didn't look like someone's grandma knitted them herself.      So now:  Bring on April 4!   Julie, we're ready for ya!   Now the question is:  Are you ready for us??    If there ever was an appropriate time to use the term "that's a Motley looking crew", it would be now.    So stay tuned for the photographic evidence!

Shout out to Julie Torregrossa at 117 Photography.  If you want the best children/newborn/maternity/family portraits EVER, you don't need to go any further than Julie!  (Check out her'll even see a couple shots of my 2 older monkeys on there.)

**Title excerpt:  Obviously, it's Photograph by Def Leppard.  I realized that I was about to be 3 for 3 in the pop category if I'd said "As far as I'm concerned, you're just another picture to burn" so I figured I'd go with something out of my normal genre.**

Just in case you didn't happen to be listening to 98.1 or Rock 103 for one of the 14, 293 times they play it during the day, here ya go:

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