Saturday, March 24, 2012

Everybody Wang Chung Tonight

Friday nights are always "to-go" nights.  I never cook on Fridays.  It's fast food or I'll pick up something to-go from a restaurant.   Well, last night, Pat was craving Chinese food.  Ok, easy enough, the Chinese place is next door to Subway, I can knock out everyone at once and don't have to drive to 4 places because each person is demanding something different.  I get the subs and the kids' orange cokes (huge mistake---as if they're not psycho enough.  I don't know why I always fall for their begs and puppy faces)  I walk to grab his Chinese.  There's only one couple in line ahead of me, so I just prop the drinks on top of each other, under my chin (because we all know I have the most awesome balance....EVER!) and I'm waiting.   Ok, well, this chick in front of me is one of "those chicks" that I used to end up next to when I was on the elliptical at the gym --  you know, back when I used to actually go to the gym.    She's got her little running shorts on with her matching tank top, holding a reusable water canister thing, and has a stop watch attached to her hip.  She weighs all of, oh I dunno...73 pounds.  Then she starts the questions:

Chick: "Ummm, what's in the seafood special?" 
Cashier: "Shrimp, Lobster, Scallops, Clams...yadda yadda served over rice."

Chick:  "Well, what else besides rice can it be served with?" 
Me: *to myself*  How bout you just eat the damn shrimp and leave the rice? Or are you also going to argue that shellfish can lead to mercury poisoning?

Chick: "Does it contain MSG?"   Because I won't eat MSG."  
Me: Oh, lemme guess, you've been googling shit again.  Bet for a million bucks, you can't tell me what MSG is or why you won't eat it.

Chick: "What kind of sauce is on it?"
Cashier: "It's a white sauce."
Chick: "Does the white sauce contain flour?"
Me: *getting irritated and shuffling my feet to re-balance the drinks*   "What kind of white sauce DOESN'T contain flour??  I mean, I'm not a Culinary graduate or anything, but last time I checked, what makes the base of a white sauce is butter mixed with freakin' flour!!  Can you please move your little Nike clad self and let me grab my Lo Mein and General Tso's that I ordered like 20 minutes ago??"

Chick: "Can I get the white sauce without flour?"
Holy crap, are you kidding me??
Cashier to Chef:  "Chingkaopaynaychowmangmangchangpow?"
*Which in my mind translates to "This idiot wants to know if you can make her white sauce without flour."*
Chef to Cashier: "Maochowkungpoulomeintaowangchung"
*Translated:  "Um, no, that's why it's called a white sauce!  Just tell her I can to shut her up, and I'll make it the way it's always made. She looks like she needs to add some carbs to her diet anyway."
Cashier:  "Yes, ma'am, he do that fo you."

Chick:  "Is this meal gluten free?" 

At this point, I'm having to physically restrain myself from dumping these 2 cups full of saccharine-infested, artificially-flavored high-fructose corn syrup all over her little bouncing ponytail.

And finally, the icing on the cake...

Chick:  "Oh, and do not put any soy sauce in it at all.  I don't consume salt."

This is when the "Jeff Swindol vein" is bulging out of the side of my head!   I wanted to yell out, "Hey Wang Chung, you know those little shredded carrots that I HATE, but still get, because I hate being ticky while ordering?  Just leave those out of my food, dump them in a bowl, and hand them to her, because she's not going to eat anything else you've got back there!" 

Bitch, if you're so freakin' worried about every tiny morsel of food that goes in your body, then WHY are you at a fast food take-out Chinese restaurant??  Go home and eat a salad (with all the gluten-free dressing you can get your grubby little paws on) if you think you're Jillian Michaels.  I mean, seriously, I can see every bone in your clavicle as it is, do you REALLY think that splash of soy sauce is going to make you look like Chaz Bono?   What is the deal with all this gluten-free crap anyway?  Why is there always a new trend of food that I'm apparently going to die of cancer if I consume?  -- But yet, somehow, 6 months ago, that same food apparently CURED cancer.  I don't get it. 

It's just so freakin' irritating when I'm trying to get in and out of a restaurant, especially if it's fast food, and you've got some fitness guru in front of you asking about calories, saturated fat, and if the dressings have any preservatives.  Seriously, get your perfectly chiseled ass out of the way and let me order my McDouble!

Some days, I just really hate people.  Well, take that back....EVERY day, I hate people.

Alright, now that my little rant of the day is over, I've gotta go cook dinner.  And I'm gonna make sure to add EXTRA gluten, sugar, salt, starch and maybe even throw in some arsenic while I'm at it.   Nomnomnomnomnom....



  1. That made me LOL! You need to write a book!!

  2. Baahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!! We MUST be related!
    Wheat Gluten can only hurt you if you have Celiac disease. She probably has know idea what that is, she's just been reading too many fitness magazines.
    ...a whore house for a Hug, hahahaha!